I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
