Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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