I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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