i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
