I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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