you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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