Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
