sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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