Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
