please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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