I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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