I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize