Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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