Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
