your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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