If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
