why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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