I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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