Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
