Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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