So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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