I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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