Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
