Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
