She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
