You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
