fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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