GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
