watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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