Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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