hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
