I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
