Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
