I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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