I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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