My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize