It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
