Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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