My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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