hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
