drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
