On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
