if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
