i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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