I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
