like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
