When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize