yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
