I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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