My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
