Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
