Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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