Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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