My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
