What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My balls are so social today.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
