i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
