Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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