this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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