My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
