You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
