i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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